The Art of Negotiation

Adults (parents, teachers, therapists, caregivers) may be able to reduce the negative interactions with fractious kids by learning to employ techniques of negotiations. Instead of arguing, think how much nicer your interactions would be if, you approached a problem in unison with your youngster, instead of tempers flaring.

The primary tenant of negotiation is that no decision (or consequence) is fixed; anything can be negotiated if both parties agree. You will soon be on the way to successful negotiation when you can help your child understand that displaying positive behaviors and actively participating in “negotiations” will be rewarded, earning positive attention from you and earning additional privileges. Instead of engaging in negative attention-seeking behaviors when they don’t get what they want, they can learn to get what they want by pleasing those significant adults in their lives.

Here are some things to remember when negotiating with your youngster:
• Always offer the child a choice (limit to 2 choices).
• Make it explicitly clear what is negotiable and what is not negotiable.
• Let the child know when negotiating any solution to a problem, anything is possible as long as both of you are okay with the outcome.

Here’s a scenario:

The child has been resistant to turning off the TV when the timer went off, signaling bedtime. The child had a major outburst when the TV was turned off by the parent.
Negotiations begin by the parent telling the child what is and isn’t negotiable. Parents state that the TV is to be turned off within 1-2 minutes of the timer ringing, and TV privileges will be taken away the following evening if this rule is not complied with.

What you are open to negotiate; however, is the length of time that TV will remain off. Try to encourage your child to offer suggestions that could satisfy you. At the same time, point out options that will be beneficial to the child. For example, the child may be willing to forgo 30 minutes of their allotted 60 minutes of TV viewing time for the next night. That way, they will still be able to access some of their TV time.

Continue negotiating with your child until both you and your child can agree on a mutually satisfying solution. In this case, the child is able to access 1 TV show instead of missing all of his/her TV shows. In addition, everything on the nighttime checklist will be completed prior to the TV being turned on (face washed, teeth brushed, clothes put out for the next day, backpack by the front door, etc.).

If the child refuses to participate in this process, then you must simply set the consequences for his/her actions on your own, pointing out that if the child was willing to negotiate, they could have ended up with something better. ◘

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